Prozac Beans, Mexican Beans and Absolution...

I could write pages and pages on this blog regarding the bean conversation with “the brothers,” but I won’t. Or maybe I will… Here is a listing of the potentially all-encompassing “beans” that we came up with (without all of the explanation!):

• Communion Beans
• trinitarian beans - might have three flavors in one. (Notice, I didn't capitalize "trinitarian" so as not to invoke the rule of blasphemy)
• absolution beans
• Green eggs and ham beans
• blood pressure beans
• biscuits and sausage gravy beans
• salt beans
• the Italian sandwich bean at Jimmy Johns
• Mexican beans (this would be a full meal at LaFondida's - Chips, Salsa, Tacos Pastor, and beans of course)
• Self actualized beans
• Iron beans
• Microsoft beans
• Bill Gates beans (editors note: ahhh, NO!)
• Prozac beans
• Cialis beans for those who are beanally challenged

I believe after writing this post, I can say with a certain level of confidence… we are all warped! Sometimes I feel it is just us (the rest of the world is normal). Then I remember that it was someone NOT a part of “the brothers” who started the bean conversation and then put his spin on the bean…

“An absolution bean? I think first it would have to be a Roman Catholic bean, because absolution typically follows confession, which is not one of the sacraments in the protestant churches (we kind of conveniently roll all of those things the Catholics do into grace and grape juice communion). So the beans would probably be produced by monks in some abbey in Europe, along with ale or liquor that monks produce. It would have to taste bad, otherwise people would be tempted to sin so they could eat a jelly bean. Then you would have to talk to the jelly bean and say something like… ‘oh Father Jelly Bean… I have sinned’, then you eat it. But I think the priest's union will put a stop to that whole thing because even though people eating the beans would THINK they have eternal security, the priests would have no job security. So, I'm not sure about the absolution bean thing. But keep thinking. (On 2nd thought, please don't keep thinking). How about a Sunday evening service bean where you can just pop one and skip sunday evening service? That one might be a hit.”

I felt as if this needed a response… Those who know me, know I usually keep my opinions to my self so here is what I said:

“See, I think he is missing the entire point and purpose of the ‘bean’. My understanding is that he was the one who started the whole bean (pun intended) thing to begin with. See... Jelly Belly decided to wrap-up the whole candy/good for ya thing into one compact package, and call it an energy bean. My understanding of the absolution bean is that it would do the same thing: Catholicism, confessional, communion, and of course, absolution. Although the whole ‘oh Father’ bit is probably right on mark. Besides! I am anti-union anyway. Maybe this is a good way to bust the priest union! by the way – ‘grace and grape juice’ - that is the second time today I have heard that. Is he a Ted Dekker reader? Think of it, a whole line of church beans:

Communion Bean (grace and grape flavored of course)
trinitarian bean (no caps of course)
absolution bean (aka "the union buster" - production outsourced to the monks)
CSA Bean (Church Skippers Anonymous Bean)
worship bean (for those who don't like to sing)
plain bean (for the poor)
Nazarene Bean (a substitute for movies and dancing)

unbelievable - he tells us to stop thinking and then throws out a comment like ‘a Sunday Evening service bean.’ What could he have possibly expected?”


More worthless words later…