Church Auctions, Vasectomies, and Free Trips to Vegas…

Well, after taking a couple of days off, my mind stopped working again. Therefore, I am able to continue my worthless written contemplations today.

I was in a conversation several years ago with a friend of mine who purchased a vasectomy at a church auction… ok, for those who stuttered through reading that, let me say it again… he purchased a vasectomy at a church auction. Well, actually, he had a relative purchase the vasectomy for him at the church auction. The funny part of this is that more recently I was talking to another friend of mine, who revealed that HE was the one who purchased it for him. This would have occurred one year after He himself purchased a vasectomy at an earlier church auction.

This brings up so many questions… first is, what would ever possess someone to purchase a vasectomy at an auction (ok, I’ll buy the $100 price tag). But, what would ever make a doctor think of donating it? Were he and his wife sitting around the dinner table eating spaghetti and meatballs and he just blurted out… “Honey, what do you think about donating a life changing surgery to the church?” Forget the painting on the wall… the crock-pot that they received for their wedding that they have never used… or for that matter, the brand new set of steak knifes they purchased the night before!! Forget all that… he went straight for the “surgical removal of all or part of the vas deferens.”

Could you even imagine showing up at that auction? Unfortunately that conjures up some images that I don’t want! The round tables in the middle of the room, where people are sitting and eating the potluck food. The long tables around the outside of the room where all of the silent auction items would be placed (it must have been silent, there isn’t an auctioneer in the country that would stand up in front of a room full of men and say, “the next item up for auction is…”). As an attendee of the auction, a person would begin to walk around the room… first they come to the painting from the wall of the other doctor in the congregation, then they approach the games purchased at http://www.tbrgames.com/ (of course they would place a bid on those items), then comes someone’s set of steak knives, then the newlywed’s crock-pot, the next item would be what? a free trip to Vegas, then a keg of beer (couldn’t have been Nazarene), then… what the heck would you put on the table for a vasectomy? I don’t even want to know!

In the wise words from the movie Multiplicity:

“I'll get you something... probably not a [vasectomy], but definitely something!”

More worthless (but far less painful) words later…