Turkey, 12 Conversations, and John Wayne...

We had a family and friend filled Thanksgiving last week… For any of you who don’t know our family, that can be an adventure. We had friends in from Arkansas passing through on their way to Kansas City (we’ll use a fake name to protect the innocent – we’ll call them the Smiths). We had family in from Chicago (again, a fake name - Bart). We had Family in from Ohio (refer to them as the nose picked or NP). We had family in from Havana (Illinois that is… NO, I did not get new cigars – the NP-in-laws). And we had a friend in from Indianapolis (call him Dick).

These types of times can be challenging. I liken them to the movie “While You Were Sleeping.” You know… the one with the scene around the Thanksgiving Day table where there are several conversations, but everyone wants to be a part of all of them. Where, at one time, at that table the line was blurted out… “John Wayne’s not tall.” Well, if you have watched that movie and remember that scene, welcome to the Abla family meal.

No, not just Thanksgiving… That would be every meal. Whether at La Fondita or Monical’s Pizza or Krekels or at home, the Abla’s can carry on 12 conversations with only 6 people present. Some people call it chaos. We prefer multi-tasking. Some people call it weird. We prefer normal. Anyway, you get the point… conversations ranged from Bart talking about using a compressor to blow a big bubble to my 86-year-old grandmother reminding me that she was not dead (yes, this after Dick boosted her into the car by her hind-quarters).

Anyway, not that I have ever had anything worthwhile, today’s words are even more worthless…

More of ‘em later…

Garland, Curtains, and Trees Way too Friggin' Big...

So, I was speaking with a friend of mine recently about Christmas and Christmas decorations. We were discussing the beauty of Christmas garland, the smell of pine, decorating with lights, wrapping presents and… ok, now I am back to reality.

But, my friend was telling me of his parents new tradition they started this year. While some people drive far out into the forest, walk for miles and miles, find that perfect tree that EVERYONE knows is way too friggin’ big for their house… but it is their perfect tree. They chop it down as a family and haul it back to the house, cut the rope and break windows with the branches. Ok, not many people do that, but the Griswold family did!!

I digress… While some people have their Christmas tree traditions, not my friends mom and dad! No, not them. They found a curtain (yes, a curtain) that has a tree outline on it. Not just any tree outline, a Christmas tree outline. Not just any Christmas tree outline… a Christmas tree outline with holes for lights. So while many go to Christmas tree farms, my friends parents went to the hardware store to buy their Christmas tree curtain rod. Hung their Christmas curtain. Stuck their Christmas lights in their Christmas Curtain which was hanging on their Christmas rod…

Huh… maybe that is where the saying came from: “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

More worthless words later…

Lite Typing, Contributions, and Undressed Patients...

“Save the [resumes]. Save the world.” I must admit that I have made some mistakes on my resume. Who am I kidding??? I don’t make mistakes! Here is the last installment of this abysmal resume series. But hey, if I have to suffer through this, I am dragging as many with me as possible.

• Write a resume longer than one paragraph. Yes, it does take more than one paragraph 10 lines, 1 paragraph, 3 ¾ inches wide to list your education, work experience, and skills. Plus, it just looks plain silly.
• “Lite typing” – Ever thought of using spel chek?
• Empty bullet point… what is missing? No really, what is missing? That has kept me up for weeks!
• “To obtain a full-time position in a company where I am able to utilize my skills, with the opportunity for” – for what???? Again, I need to know. It’s killin’ me!
• Computer Skills – Internet… yeah, right!! Let’s be honest – my 9 year old son has that skill!
• “I am strive for continued excellence” – Wow, self evident!
• “To obtain a challenging position with a reputable company with which I can expand my knowledge and contribute my experience.” Contribute your experience??? Is that tax deductible?
• There are some things that just should not be included on any resume. Saying that you “undressed patients” – come on! It doesn’t matter what job you had! And ending your resume, the last sentence that will leave a lasting impression with a prospective employer, with “after raising my children, I returned to nursing” will definitely leave the wrong impression!!!

Less resumes, but yet more worthless words later…

Ideal Matches, Striving, and Basically Babysitting...

Well… I must continue on my quest of cleaning up all resumes across the world. Although it may seem a daunting task, I am willing to take it on. By writing this blog, I feel like a character on “Heroes” – you know… you’ve heard the line… “Save the [resumes]. Save the world”? Right? What the heck am I talking about anyway??

Here are a few that were found on one resume:

• “It was of great interest that I saw your advertisement.” – Seriously, it was for an office clerk.
• “My skills and your companies [we only advertised for one company] goals are an ideal match.” – Well, although that may be possible, it is unlikely that an 18 word classified would give you that much information. Recommendation: DON’T STRETCH!!
• “I provide excellent service and strive to maintain a pleasant working environment.” – I am going to have to say, if ya gotta “strive” you might want to strive to be a better person, achieve great things, or towards big visions… If you have to ‘exert much effort or energy or fight forcefully’ (according to American Heritage) to get along with people, odds are you probably aren’t gunna get the job.

Yes, this came from one resume. Only to be outdone by another (yes, singular) submission:

• I really don’t need a 7 page resume for an office clerk position.
• Listing your Grade School, Middle School and High School under Education. – I would be able to guess that you graduated from Grade School if you list your Middle School. And just a shot in the dark… both if you graduate from High School.
• “I did very well academic wise in high school” – huh?
• “I basically babysat children from the age of 6 weeks to 5 years old.” Basically?? So many comments, so little time.
• Yeah, so after making these (and others I might add) mistakes, including 4 letters of recommendation is a little overkill and will leave potential employers wondering… instead of asking for a letter of recommendation… have one of them review the resume!

More worthless words later…

Postage, Guitars, and Middle Schools...

Recently I had the privilege to review resumes for a position... through this process I have made several determinations.

Here are some of the, how shall we say, “mistakes” I ran into and some recommendations I have as a result:

• When looking for a job... don’t send your resume postage due.
  
• Your interests are only important if you are asked… for example, don’t include a separate page with your interests which says: “Playing guitar and piano, writing, singing.” Ah, I need to hire an office clerk… not Harry Connick Jr.
  
• I would tend to stay away from starting your cover letter with sentences like: “Let me introduce myself I am Jane Doe, I am married and have 2 grown children. We live in Anytown with 4 cats and a dog that thinks of himself as a cat.”
  
• Although there are plenty more to come I am going to wrap things up today with the following: these days there is probably not a need to list your Middle School as a part of your education. But to cap it off by listing next to it: “Graduated”???

Wow… I will share more of these worthless words later...

3 Weeks, Resumes, and Mental Institutions...

Ok… I have now had my break. Due to extenuating circumstances, I have taken more than 3 weeks off. Who am I kidding… extenuating circumstances? Now I sound like a politician!

There are so many things to cover, I think I will just give an introduction to what is to come:

1 – I will cover the great mysteries of resume writing… For example, if you have a bullet point on your resume… ya might wanna include some information after it.

2 – I may just throw some sports stuff in… Haynesworth stompings, Miami’s brawls, TO ramblings, the retirement talk of Tiki, and the post-retirement play of Brett Favre…

3 – Things not to say in interviews… well, I would leave out the whole history of why you were in a mental institution. Openness is WAY overrated.

4 – I may even throw a quick discussion in about strange guys talking to kids at Kings Island… who knows.

But in the end, I just couldn’t go one more day without sharing with the world more worthless words.

So… more worthless words later.