Water Buffalo, Free Shoes, and Rat Crap...

Happy New Year! Although I can not take sole credit for the following letter, it's meaning is no less true.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist witches who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within five seconds. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)... I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want! to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this beautiful blog to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) tomorrow afternoon and crap all over you. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's third cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Marc Abla

More worthless (and less plageristic) words later...

The OFFICIAL "Too Early for Flapjacks" Top 20+1 Christmas Gifts of 2007

Are you looking for that perfect gift for your loved one? Do you have a good friend that is impossible to buy for? Are you dating that special someone who you want to purchase the most wonderful, meaningful, long-lasting gift for? Well, you have come to the right place. Below you will find the OFFICIAL Top 20+1 Christmas Gifts of 2007 of Too Early for Flapjacks (and their related websites if available):

1. Jelly Belly Sports Beans with some modifications (including the following: beer beans, whisky beans, vodka beans, magic beans, meatloaf beans, fluoride beans, birthday dinner beans, Christmas dinner beans, Communion Beans, absolution beans, green eggs and ham beans, blood pressure beans, biscuits and sausage gravy beans, salt beans, the Italian sandwich bean at Jimmy Johns, mexican beans (this would be a full meal at LaFondida's - Chips, Salsa, Tacos Pastor, and beans of course), self actualized beans, iron beans, Microsoft beans, Prozac beans, Cialis beans for those who are beanally challenged). Website? Of course - http://www.sportbeans.com/
2. Board games from The Boardroom: www.tbrgames.com
3. A painting
4. A set of steak knives
5. A crock-pot
6. A trip to Vegas
7. A keg of beer
8. Of course, for that special male person in your life, you must get him a vasectomy. If you try really hard, you may even be able to find one at a church auction in Indiana. Hey, Dick is from Indiana… Want one? If so, check out the website: http://www.my-vasectomy.com/
9. Vonage service for a year (at least a year before you can cancel anyway!!). Website: don’t leave home without it: www.vonage.com
10. A Yorkshire Terrier. This might be free, but only if you are a good Christian home. http://www.yorkshireterrierrescue.net/
11. Another Vonage router (with free service for a year of course): again, www.vonage.com
12. A new presidential quote… Maybe one about OB-Gyn’s practicing their love with woman across the country.
13. A new resume. Try: http://www.free-resume-tips.com/
14. New references.
15. A new job… Maybe you could fake a new one with an alibi service or something.
16. A Christmas Tree curtain: Click Here
17. A new rod for your spoiled child: http://www.justbats.com/
18. The movie “While You Were Sleeping” – www.netflix.com
19. A Christmas goose for your grandmother – www.indianapolisdick.com
20. Maybe you want to give your spouse a gift certificate from the alibi organization: http://alibinetwork.com/
21. And number 21 – more worthless words. Or you could go to http://www.tbrgames.com/ for some new games.

More worthless words later...

Alibis, Fake Phone Numbers, and Escape-A-Date Services...

Let me first say, this is not an advertisement and most definitely not an endorsement… So much so, I am not even going to mention the web address. In fact, after seeing the website where these services are offered, I truly thought it was a parody itself! But no, it is not. It is the real deal (proofed by an article after a journalist followed 2 different “customers” of this site) so… let me detail the possible services you may use of this company:

If you are looking for a way to skip out of town for a while and have a “company” back up your sorry lies, this company will provide you with a fake airline confirmation to a city of your choice, a fake hotel confirmation, a fake car rental confirmation, a fake phone number for a hotel for those to call you at, a fake area code (to make people think you are in Indianapolis when you are actually in Vegas), and did I mention the fake seminar? Maybe all you want is a fake “buddy” to take messages for you. Or do you want to “customize” your alibi so you can go about your sleezy business? Do you want an oversees phone number to call from (when you are actually in Indianapolis) or an oversees email server? How about a fake job (full-time or part-time of course)? Wanna buy something on the down-low?

Yes, all of these services can be yours for the low price of $75 - $175 (sometimes only $35 or sometimes even more!). Yes, this is a service that is available. As sad as it may be, they also offer these services:

Rescue Call Service – (for this service I will include a quote from their website) “The phone call from us to help you escape any situations such as dull meetings, unnecessary commitments, or other circumstances that need to be cut short or suspended. This is a way to wiggle out of any uncomfortable encounter. Just let us know what time & at what telephone number you would like to receive an important phone call. And to give more validity we offer a service that would allow you to have any phone number that you choose to appear on your caller id. This is a perfect way out of any situation. We call anywhere, anytime, anyone you designate. We communicate to them any information you desire. For example, you may find yourself in a situation where for whatever reason, you have made an appointment that you now wish to cancel. Instead of revealing the real reason you want to cancel, you can use a harmless excuse. (e.g. we place a call to the intended party and convey to them any information you choose). Engaging an impromptu deceiver is also less risky than dragging a friend into a ruse. We also can help you select an appropriate alibi. When desired, we can include in the call suitable background noises to give it greater authenticity.”

Escape-A-Date Service – Very similar to Rescue Call Service, only for those awkward dates with dudes named Charley! “Our service allows you to set-up a save me from my date phone call at a predetermined time. In this way, we will call you at the time you wish and if your date is not going that great, we will set the tone for an immediate getaway.”

Yes, this takes the cake… So sad (but yet kinda funny)! I guess it proves the adage – with the Internet, you too can start a worthless business! Me? I would just take an alibi bean!

More worthless words (and businesses) later…